"I spend 85 percent of our friendship telling you things I know you want to hear because your reactions to the other 15 percent never ceases to disappoint me."
"Before I met you, I didn’t think anyone who could be so genuinely nice could be so selfish."
"I wrote a song about you. You’d hate it. I know I do."
"You keep telling me you love me and I keep omitting to tell you I don’t even like you."
"You only like me because I’m nicer than your ex. Everyone’s nicer than your ex."
"At some point in our friendship I stopped turning off the music when you called."
